Photo: @taylorswift Instagram/GIF: Gaby Wilson
Yesterday, mere hours before the 2014 Met Gala, Taylor Swift tweeted that her cat, Meredith, had attacked her custom satin Oscar de la Renta gown. Meredith, in case you don't follow Taylor's Instagram closely, sits in bizarre, human-like positions and is pretty terrifying. It's not hard to imagine that the running dialogue in her head is akin to that of a human—and that's exactly what we did for the latest installment of Fashion Fanfic. Below is her account of yesterday, as Taylor prepared for the Met Gala.
Meredith extended her front paws far ahead of her, as she rolled onto her back. She had just been (rudely) awakened by the rustling of Taylor's house slippers. She was practicing her twirling for the red carpet.
"Um, I know that she's getting ready right now for the Met Gala," Meredith thought to herself, "but I'm hungry."
The internet's favorite deadpan cat had just woken up from her fourth nap of the day and was disgusted to find her food bowl dangerously low.
"I'll lose the cute little figure everyone loves so much on ~Instagram~ if Taylor doesn't feed me soon. Does she want that? Everyone loves a picture of a fat cat on Instagram, especially Taylor. I need food. Now."
Meredith arched her back and picked herself up to circle around Taylor's ankles.
"That'll remind her that I exist."
The smell of loose sugar and flour in the air meant that Karlie was on her way over soon to bake several batches of cookies before the event. It also meant there wasn't much time left to get Taylor's attention before she was in full-tilt BFF mode.
"If I'm not fed before they start baking, there will be consequences. Major ones."
Frustrated that ankle-circling wasn't working, Meredith walked away. She sat in the middle of the doorway, her tail swaying left to right and her gaze locked on Taylor texting a series of emojis (a cookie, a high heel, another cookie, a tube of lipstick, and three of the pink hearts with sparkles) to Karlie, Selena, Dianna, and Hailee.
"No, I wasn't 'coming to say hi,' I was pleading with you for food. PLEASE, TAYLOR, PLEASE. She has time to sit on her couch at a time like this? A time when her dear friend (me) is very hungry and beginning to get thirsty too? I'm going to have to switch from a cuddly, gentle approach to a more direct one."
Photo: @taylorswift Instagram
Just then, the doorbell rang and a flurry of air kissing and squealing and garment bags rushed through the hall.
"Oh, you're going to try your dress on and have it fitted to your body while MY body wilts from lack of nutrition? My food bowl is only half full, Taylor! It needs to be 100% full at all times! I don't have thumbs, or else I'd do it myself! If I had thumbs, I'd probably open the door and hail a cab to Shake Shack, TBH!!!"
Photo: @taylorswift Instagram
Taylor slipped into her pink Oscar de la Renta gown, hand-delivered by ODLR's assistant. It was perfect. Just the right shade of prom-ready pastel pink. A tasteful amount of glittering embroidery. A dramatic but not showy train. And a giant bow situation at the back to take it over the saccharine edge. Taylor took a selfie to send over her group chat. She couldn't wait to arrive at the Met steps wearing it. Meredith, though, began to develop other plans.
"Oh, yes, hi. Yes, I am cute! Don't mind me, just walking around, doin' my thing. Just kidding, the bottom of this dress could use a little more shredding. That's where I come in."
Photos: Getty Images/Photoshop: Maeve Keirans
Adrenaline was kicking in and suddenly the thrill of mutilating this thing Taylor appeared to love more than her in that moment was giving her enough energy to push through her hunger. The strings of "Flight of the Bumblebee" whirred through her folded ears.
"Uh, who are you and why are you picking me up? I wasn't playing with the dress for fun—I was playing with it so someone would pay attention to me for once in my life. Great. Just great."
It backfired. Taylor's assistant stowed Meredith away in her carrier.
"Taylor? Tayyyyyy? I'm lonely in here. I hear you and Karlie laughing and listening to music. Can I get in on that? I like music. I like when you sing to me."
She was farther away from the action now and deeply regretting her decision, but what do you expect from a cat who is predisposed to evildoing and suffering from low blood sugar?
"Who am I supposed to hang out with? When will Taylor be back?"
While Taylor's assistant filled Meredith's food bowl, Tay and Karlie made a few last minute touches to their pouts—K in pale pink and T in her signature red. Always able to spot a photo opp, the two posed in the same frame and posted a shot to Instagram.
"My food bowl is full, AND I get the house to myself? This is the best day of my life. Plus, when Taylor goes out, she leaves her Instagram up on her iPad, so I can look at pictures. What can I say? I like to stay in the know."
Taylor and Karlie rushed out the door to head to the party, leaving Meredith sitting upright at her food bowl, pawing her dinner to her mouth like a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Contentedly stuffed, Meredith padded her way to the couch to turn the TV on. It was still on HGTV, and even better, House Hunters International was on—her favorite. A few episodes in, Taylor's iPad started to go crazy (OK, crazier than the past few minutes) with notifications. Her Instagram was blowing up with mentions.
"WAIT. HOLD UP. Taylor is twirling around a museum with Selena while I'm here alone, in the dark? Nuh uh. I am not happy about this."
She paced around the living room, seething with jealousy.
"I've got to think of something that will send a message. Ah, I think I've got it."
She looked to her left, looked to her right, then slinked her way to Taylor's row of brand new Keds sneakers, "Flight of the Bumblebee" playing in her ears.